The Pound, Sector VH’s prominent bounty shop, is opening a new way to resolve an argument: a duel cage! You read that right. Want to shoot someone, legally? Visit them
It was a dark and cold afternoon when my editor send me to visit these wackos and their “state-of-the-art conflict resolution facility” to interview them on their plans for the Abunai! Festival.
“It’s just your run of the mill gentleman duel cage. Backs to each other, 10 paces, turn around and shoot. What’s so hard about it?” Jackal explains in a gruff voice. The concept of the duel cage is simple: order your duel and shoot. Don’t want to get shot? Place a wager! Want to tip the scales to your favour? Maybe place an order from “the Menu” first.
Next to Jackal is a Scotsman who enjoys tinkering with and building guns. His name is Dutch and he’s a purist when it comes down to coffee. Upon the mere mention of my order of decaf he rambles of into a tirade: “Decaf? DECAF!? Who drinks that shite? I’m no’ kiddin’ ‘ere. That stuff isn’t just BAD for ya, it does nothin’. Yer a chancer if ya survive cuppa this black shite!” he hisses violently. I wipe spit from my cheek. Why have I chosen this job? Why did I not bring a translator? “I SPEAK THE QUEEN’S ENGLISH..” Oh no. I said that last part out loud. I decide to chance it and ask him a question. “Mr. Dutch, how have you come upon this, erm, establishment?”. Dutch collects himself and puts on a smile.
“It’s a long, borin’ story, lass. Let me summarize it like this.”. Dutch pauses as he seems to choose his words. “Sometimes you find a job, sometimes a job finds ya. This isn’t a mere job, lass. It’s a way a’ life. Ya don seek it out, it just comes across ya patch and ya roll innit, savvy?”. He picks up a pistol and inspects it. “See, this ‘ere, this is always honest with ya. You maintain it well, it will save yer life. You fook around with it, and yer missin’ a hand.”.
He pauses, contemplating his next sentence. “People are like that as well. Ya maintain a relationship ya have proper, and ya will have a good life me thinks. Or that what me mum hammered into meh.”. He puts the weapon down. “What we do here is clean up the exploding hands ya can say. Somebody fooked up big time and we collect the shamble of a person that’s left after it. Then bring him or her to the authorities and collect our fee”.
I muster up the patience to ask another question. Holy cow, this guys is long winded. “Wait. This IS Bounty Office, right? The way you where, erm, ‘going on’ about decaf I thought it was a coffee shop.”. Dutch simply nods. “So what about the Duel…” Jackal intervenes. I seem to be testing his patience.
“Listen, it’s very simple, for access to the Duel Cage you either you bring us money to shoot the baddy or something to soothe my throat, or jus’ walk on by.” Jackal said whilst swirling a glass of amber colored liquid. ”And by ‘Soothe my throat’, I mean whiskey! Don’t you dare bring me any swill.” he said, adjusting his mask (is it functional or cosplay? The world will never know). “You may want to stop saying what you're writing down there John Hancock. Also, disfigured face under this mask. You want the inside scoop on that too?”
I politely declined the offer as Jackal continued. “Yeah this is the Bounty Office, but with the possible influx of patrons who will get coffee...” Why are they talking about drinks again. Is this next-level Starbucks? Save me. “.. We have put the bounties to Apex Intermediaries again.”
Jackal downs his drink and stands up while spinning a gun he pulled from his holster. “You best play your chances in the Duel Cage and aim true. And if your aim is off, you can always put someone else in.”
This seems like a fighting match than an actual Duel Cage. I quickly packed my notes and drank my coffee, that gives me already a light buzz.
“Be sure to bring along your wife!”. “Much cheaper than a divorce settlement!*” adds Jackal in a rather grumpy tone. Dutch adds “Clean-up is half off this month!”.
So come and visit the Duel Cage at the Pound in King’s Court. Since the Wandering Casino is coming and happening, the first drink will be on the house!
*Editor’s Note: The King’s Court Gazette claims no responsibility for following this advice.His ex-wife must be quite lucky!
From the editors.
The King's Court Gazette is the leading newspaper covering Eindhoven, Sector-VH. We are located in the heart of King's Court and strive to keep all citizens and visitors up-to-date on what's-a-happenin' in this city of neon and chrome.